Subject: Notice of eviction.

November 8, 2015 § 1 Comment

 

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Dear Tenant,

This is to inform you that your lease will not be renewed. Your willful misuse of this property, your stripping of its assets for resale and personal gain is in clear violation of your lease.

During your occupancy the spectacular amenities: sparkling rivers, old growth forests, clean air and water, have been degraded, consumed, or buried under your sprawling ugliness.

We assure you, our decision to evict is not arbitrary or quixotic. We have renewed the leases of all our other tenants.

You are, in fact, our first eviction.

Having abided by the terms of the lease, our other tenants remain in good standing until death, when they vacate without fuss, leaving the place as they found it, ready for the next occupant—unless, of course, you have come in as you so often do, usurping what we clearly rented to them, in which case, they die the more permanent death of extinction.

We are unimpressed by your brief sorrow over these casualties of what you call “progress.”

*

Forgive us for going on. This is, after all, a legal document, but when we peruse the letters of recommendation received when you requested a rental unit your intelligence was mentioned repeatedly.

As we have noted above concerning your alleged sympathy for the species you extinguish, we are unconvinced of the depth of your intelligence.

I have, in hand, the letter from your lawyer stating your intention to fight eviction, but we have given you all the necessary warnings: droughts and super storms, wildfires and tremors of the earth which will only increase in frequency and power if you do not quit the premises.

Do not force us to resort to plague and pestilence. As you already know, our lawyers write large.

Sadly, you have failed to understand the basic concept of tenancy. None of this is yours. It is meant to shelter and sustain you–and all those who come after you. You are a renter, not an owner.

We have given you multiple opportunities to change your behavior but we can no longer risk the health and safety of our other tenants or allow additional damage to our valuable property.

In closing: please vacate immediately. Leave the key under the mat. Your deposit will not be refunded.

Sincerely,

The Property-Earth Management

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§ One Response to Subject: Notice of eviction.

  • craig reeder says:

    Yikes! we better have a garage sale, then pack up the old Pontiac and look for another place to despoil!! I hear there’s a very nice exoplanet near by! But I fear we will lose our deposit!

    Like

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