Or your money back!

April 20, 2014 § 4 Comments

Your self-image, that snapshot you carry in your head, is regularly revised, almost always by someone else.

Your mother says your posture needs work, and yup, you’re a sloucher.

Your boss checks the “excellent” box next to, “time management skills.” Woo-hoo, look at you, so darned efficient.

Your dog wags harder when you’re around. You’re great!

Most of those appraising you have skin in the game. Your ability to turn in an accurate expense report, or open a can of dog food directly impact the kind of day they are having.

Some of them even like you.

But some of those who work on your self-image most assiduously know you not at all. But they do know your hot buttons. Like shame.

Elevator shoes,1948

You smell bad.

Your hair is limp.

You are too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too…you.

Honey, you are just too.

Not to worry. For just $5.95, plus shipping and handling we can fix you. With our help you will no longer land on the left hand side of the bell curve where the losers languish.

With our help you will ride high on the fat part of the curve, you will be normal.

Wait. Did we say normal?

The Bell Curve.With our product you will slalom down the right hand side of that bulging slope becoming popular, desirable, head-turning—your money back if not completely satisfied.

Didn’t work?

You mean you still have zits?

Luckily, we have a new and improved product that, in clinical tests (conducted by board certified skin-ologists) works 14.5 percent better than that other cream you bought from us.

2The human habit of comparing ourselves with others as if life were a competition makes us vulnerable—and advertisers know it.

If enough people are ashamed of the same thing it becomes profitable to do something about it.

But shame has lost some of its oomph. We’ve been shamed for as long as we’ve had anything to sell each other.

Flip shame over and you will find hubris. In addition to feeling bad about our shortcomings we are unreasonably self-absorbed and proud. On a good day we impress ourselves.

That’s why we respond to the more modern form of advertising that insists, “You deserve the very best. You are discerning. You know the difference between Naugahyde and genuine Corinthian leather. Sure it costs more, but you are worth it.”

Actually, you’re not, and no one’s butt can discern the difference between Naugahyde and leather.

In conclusion: there is no need to be ashamed—or overly impressed with yourself. As long as you are either, you are a customer waiting to happen.

Try this attitude out fourteen days at absolutely no charge!

Be grateful for what you are, not sorrowful about what you aren’t.

Or (better yet) think about yourself less and get to work on, a. global warming, b. world peace, or c. teaching your dog to dance in a funny skirt.

If, after 14 days you are not 100% satisfied with this attitude adjustment you pay nothing!

And, if you are among the first four million to order this product, shipping and handling are free!

§ 4 Responses to Or your money back!

  • KM Huber says:

    “A customer waiting to happen” is priceless and seems precisely the point about what we will purchase to “make” ourselves feel/seem even though the result is usually hubris, shame or whatever we were trying to “fix.” A flood of memories await me, if I should need to remember any particular purchase of which there have been many.

    Once again, age provides so I do not need to repeat yet there are always new opportunities on the horizon, as your post reminds. Thus, I will redouble my efforts regarding global warming and world peace. I always feel better when I do. Thanks for the reminder.



  • craig reeder says:

    sign me up!!! I am ready to slalom down that right hand slope of the bell curve!!!! and if anyone ever offered better homespun advice than this, I’ve not heard it yet: “no need to be ashamed – or overly impressed with yourself” —– thanks! I needed that!


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