Diet docs hate this Tallahassee Mom…

August 31, 2012 § 12 Comments

Brave boy salutes using homemade prosthetic arm.

Why do I stick with AOL?

Loyalty? Habit? Inertia?

I have been for 20 years. That’s almost seven gerbil lifetimes.


Other providers organize things more sensibly and are probably not so right-leaning they should be required to use a turn signal.

Perhaps it is AOL’s quirks. I get out of bed, and boot up AOL which cheerfully chirps, “You’ve got mail!” and long for the day when the voice says, “Nope. Nothing for you.”

But I digress.

Having booted up, I am on AOL’s home screen which features outrageous bits of news, (kitchen table explodes, Bigfoot hoax goes terribly wrong). Each is coupled with a completely random photo. “Millions ignore president’s refi rates,” has been big for months. Accompanying photos have included ridiculously large breasted women, the wrinkled elderly, and a woman who looks as if someone has just spit on her shoe.

My favorite AOL news items follow this format: (some expert) hates this (geographic location) mom who has just discovered this ridiculously simple trick to (solve some problem that has baffled humanity since the beginning of time).

Town shows gratitude to the boll weevil.

I’m sure the expert also hates a Milwaukee mom, and a Poughkeepsie mom, but this is “My AOL.” And AOL knows where I live.

Why a mom? I’ve wondered too. I haven’t nailed that down but here’s my theory. Who would be least likely to come up with a ridiculously simple solution to a problem that has baffled humanity since the beginning of time? A mom.

Who would you be more likely to believe, some snooty ivory tower expert, or a mom?


Sudden mustache outbreak occurs in family living room.

That got me thinking. I’m a mom. I live in a geographic location. I’ve come up with some ridiculously simple solutions to problems that have long baffled the experts, and I have more photos to choose from than practically anyone. I’m married to Ray Faass!

So, here is a carefully selected sampling of this mom’s wisdom, beginning with the title of this post (the letters are big, that means I have to address the issue).

Diet docs hate this Tallahassee mom for her ridiculously simple trick to take off pounds and inches!

I call my solution the “random access brain.” This brain causes its owner to walk miles, all inside her own home. Even a  nine hundred square foot home (such as this Tallahassee mom owns) will do.

The brain works like this. Where are my keys? On the bookshelf. Dang, no. Maybe in the front room. Drat, no. Maybe in my purse. Where the heck is my purse?

Eat your hearts out diet docs (and all you unfortunate owners of organized brains)!

Smoky shaves fur with surprising results.

Here is the headline on the screen as I write this:

51-year-old woman looks 25, Tallahassee mom publishes facelift secret that angers doctors.

Notice that AOL is cleverly mixing up the formula. Notice the subtlety? 51-year-old mom… If it were a bald-faced lie she would be a nice round fifty. But fifty-one? Gotta be true. And the doctors don’t hate her, but she has them angered. Nice twist.

This Tallahassee mom (61, also a trustworthy age) will tell you her own highly reliable facelift trick (although it did not originate with her). It was done to her dad when he was a corporate guy having his official company photo taken.).

The trick requires some fancy footwork so that no one will see the loose skin gathered at the back of the neck, with clothes pins. You don’t want to show off those pins, standing straight out in a cheesy impersonation of Frankenstein, but if you present yourself to the world in full frontal fashion, voila! You’ve taken years off your face.

Equal Opportunity Seating Bill Passed!

Here is one I’d like to suggest.

Ontologists hate this Tallahassee mom who has discovered one ridiculously simple answer to the question, what is the meaning of life?!

To restate my credentials: I am a mom.  I live in Tallahassee (a geographic location).  I am of a reliable age. So why would you doubt for second that ontologists have good reason to hate me?

And I have an answer. Really. And it is totally ridiculously simple.

But after giving it some thought,  I’m not sure I’m prepared to be hated by ontologists.

I think they are the ones who have the power to move me from the “to be” category to the “or not to be” category.

Feel free to grab the glory for yourself. Your AOL awaits your simple solution to this question that has baffled humanity since the beginning of time–but only if you are a mom.

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§ 12 Responses to Diet docs hate this Tallahassee Mom…

  • craig reeder says:

    we ontologists are all awaiting your answer… (to be honest, i had to look up the word “ontology”…), but meanwhile i must say Smoky looks 100% better clean shaven!


    • Of all the people I know you are one of the two most likely to be an ontologist. Still, I am taking no chances–I think you are more tolerant than most ontologists.

      Minus the fur it is amazing how much Smoky resembles my daughter. The cub looks familiar as well.


  • deb reilly says:

    Recently, I learned the cool kids all have gmail accounts. But how will I keep up with current events if I abandon good ole aol? (Now where can I get one of those bendie arms, Tallahassee Mom?)


  • Exactly! Who covers the REAL news better than good old AOL.

    That bendy arm is a product of the Front Porch Library’s “Build a Body” day–what I’m saying is, hit your recycle bin and go for it. You too can have a bendy arm.


  • Strangely enough Amy, I’ve written programs that deal with ontology. 🙂 As to email sources, I’ve shied away from the common sources (aol, gmail, etc.) Guess I’ve missed interesting headlines. I always read that stuff at various websites. I suppose I could just start reading the Daily Mirror (


  • carolyn says:

    I once tried AOL for a ‘free one month’ trial back at the dawn of the internet, then when I called to cancel on day 30, they still charged me for a second month, saying I had to cancel BEFORE the 30th day….. I cannot tell you how many calls & supervisors I spoke to, but never got any satisfaction, so paid for 2 months, but told them I would tell anyone who asked about my experiences of AOL with their ’29day free trial’ (maybe it was like a cruise, 30 days 29 nights…)…

    Aside from that, I think there is no reason why a 61 year old Tallahassee mom shouldn’t have solutions to the unanswered Qs of the universe!! (and with the internet, she can tell the world!!)


  • Earthlink went down the same rabbit hole as AOL. Both are minor players.
    I’m 61, so the nonsense I post on my blog must be more reliable than I thought.


  • Singing, kazoo-playing Tallahassee Mom entertains the masses at open-air functions

    Blogging, YA/MG Tallahassee author Mom, gets fingers dirty in Wakulla cody scarp

    Award-winning novelist for youth spends spare change on performance

    R E A D all about it!
    at the highly recommended Slow Dance Journal Blog


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