The world is made up of just two kinds of people…

July 4, 2012 § 19 Comments

We like our truths simple these days.

Can’t Tweet it in 140 characters? It’s obviously too complex.

It’s either black or it’s white.

It’s good or it’s bad.

Like the old song says, “don’t mess around with Mr. In-Between.”

So I offer the following simple organizing principles for dividing humanity into “us” and “them.”

“Us” would be the side of the equation you agree with, “them” would be the fools who disagree with “us.”

You may choose only one. Choosing more than one would imply that nuance still exists. It doesn’t.

Choose wisely. You may be called upon to defend your position. Not with rational argument but with red-faced shouting and the strength that comes from knowing that the person you’re arguing against will surely rot in hell.

So, the world is made up of just two kinds of people…

1. Those who like diet soda vs those who have noticed what it tastes like.

2. Those who like saying “like” as a form of punctuation (durationally it is somewhere between a comma and a semicolon), and those who find punctuational users of “like” to be, like, morons.

3. Those who bite their lower lip while dancing to “Mustang Sally,” those who have never been drunk enough to dance to “Mustang Sally.”

4. Those who think it’s all a conspiracy, and those who know we’re not organized enough to pull off a conspiracy.

5, Those who can instantly turn left on command, and those who hope for a hand signal.

6. Those who unscrew the Oreo and eat the icing first, and those who eat the Oreo in factory-assembled condition.

7. Those who drop pennies. Those who pick them up.

8. Those who “put on their face” to go out, and those who have settled for the one they were born with.

9. Those who say “those people,” vs those who include “those people” in “us” and “we.”

10. Dog people. Cat people.

11. Those who turn off the water when they brush their teeth. Those who let it run. And run. And run.

12. Those who think they’ll never see a poem lovely as a tree, vs those who think of trees as the place birds sit while waiting to poop on their car.

13. Those who say, “No problem,” and those old farts who still say, “You’re welcome.”

14. Those who know “Inna Gadda Davida” is a drunk’s interpretation of “In the Garden of Eden,” and those who believe that “Inna Gadda Davida” are actual real words.

15. Those who give with a warm hand, and those who wait until their hand is ice-cold before giving their stuff away.

16. Those who recognize the need for good doctors, good engineers, good public servants, vs those who think we pay too darned much for education.

17. Belt wearers, and those who believe 6 inches of puffy underdrawers constitute a fashion statement.

18. Those who believe God will help them find a parking space, and those who believe (if God exists at all) that he has more important things on his mind, such as what happens when the cosmos expands so far it comes unglued.

Wait…what? The cosmos is coming unglued?!?

Probably, but don’t think about it.

It’s a honkin’ big concept.

Complex too.

Let’s just eliminate the unglued-cosmos thing and go with: we all believe that God (if He exists) will find us a parking space.

In the shade.

Right near the door.

Just don’t ignore the handicapped sign. God draws the line at keeping you from being towed.

Now wasn’t that simple?

Note: Please vote for your favorite or offer one of your own (that might add some messy complexity but I’m willing to chance it).


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§ 19 Responses to The world is made up of just two kinds of people…

  • Leslee says:

    I was raised by women (mom and sisters) who put their face on before going out, but I’m the rebel and chose to go with the one I was born with!


  • Tenacity says:

    I have no problem with betwixt. Most of the time I turn the water off when I brush my teeth, not always though. If there was a god who granted parking lot spaces, I am quite sure s/he would not be my god. My cat and my dog both consider me a person, if not a person of interest. I think my favorite on your list has to go to #14 — I guess that means I belong to the us who actually remember the ’60’s.


  • Craig reeder says:

    Wow I never knew that about “inna godda da vida”. I figured it was just a nonsense stoner song. But now I gotta worry about the universe coming unglued.
    Maybe time for another stoner song……


  • deb reilly says:

    Number 15.

    My own: The people who throw trash out their car windows, and the ones who pick it up without being paid to do so.


  • I like 4 – we’re not organized enough for a conspiracy, just the theories!

    I only put on my face on Sundays now-a-days. Besides, makeup melts on the golf course!

    I once attended a Lincoln/Reagan Day Republican Dinner . (Explanation: my husband’s a Republican. I’m the Democrat. They tolerate me and I stand them for this one night a year.) A retired guy at our table kept mouthing off about having to pay higher taxes for education when he didn’t have kids in school anymore. I couldn’t help it. I let him have it with “If you want informed and educated Republican voters in future generations, you’d do well to support education with more than just your taxes.” His wife, nudged him and said, “You see? Education is important!”

    I decided that for that one moment in time she and I were an “us”.

    And I don’t bother God about parking spots … he’s too busy. I rely on St. Expedita for that!



    • Women “put on their faces” to get the skin you wear every day MLS.

      And people, please heed Mary Lois’s thoughts on God and parking spots. She’s a preacher’s kid. She knows the ins and outs of these things.


  • 10. A miao for cat people.

    Those who are fine about substituting plain Greek-style yogurt for mayo in a chicken salad/potato salad recipe & those who would rather die sooner but if they can only have real mayo.


  • ammaponders says:

    #9 is important, but Inna Godda Divida and Mustang Sally made me laugh!


  • Carolyn says:

    Is there ever room for 3 groups? Re: #6, on the rare occasions when I eat Oreos, I unscrew and scrape off the icing & throw it out, then just eat the chocolate part! Or would I be lumped into a group of those who mutilate their Oreos vs those who eat them straight from the assembly line? (I used to sometimes eat them with a friend who took my extra icing and added it to his Oreo, in the days before double filling was invented, waste not want not…)


    • I kind of think that those of us who hung out together at PHS are members of that third group–the equivocals, those who would say, yes, that’s true…mostly…but…

      We honor the exceptions.

      About those Oreos, I hope you’ve found a taker for that extra icing. I am a member of the don’t-waste-anything-ever group.


  • Great list. I remember the first time I heard my students use the slang word, “haters”. I still feel it is the best slang ever invented. Thanks for reminding me of “Mustang Sally”.


  • Those who bitch about getting too much junk mail and those who are happy to hear from anybody.


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