The world is made up of just two kinds of people…
July 4, 2012 § 19 Comments
Can’t Tweet it in 140 characters? It’s obviously too complex.
It’s either black or it’s white.
It’s good or it’s bad.
Like the old song says, “don’t mess around with Mr. In-Between.”
So I offer the following simple organizing principles for dividing humanity into “us” and “them.”
“Us” would be the side of the equation you agree with, “them” would be the fools who disagree with “us.”
You may choose only one. Choosing more than one would imply that nuance still exists. It doesn’t.
Choose wisely. You may be called upon to defend your position. Not with rational argument but with red-faced shouting and the strength that comes from knowing that the person you’re arguing against will surely rot in hell.
So, the world is made up of just two kinds of people…
1. Those who like diet soda vs those who have noticed what it tastes like.
2. Those who like saying “like” as a form of punctuation (durationally it is somewhere between a comma and a semicolon), and those who find punctuational users of “like” to be, like, morons.
3. Those who bite their lower lip while dancing to “Mustang Sally,” those who have never been drunk enough to dance to “Mustang Sally.”
4. Those who think it’s all a conspiracy, and those who know we’re not organized enough to pull off a conspiracy.
5, Those who can instantly turn left on command, and those who hope for a hand signal.
6. Those who unscrew the Oreo and eat the icing first, and those who eat the Oreo in factory-assembled condition.
7. Those who drop pennies. Those who pick them up.
8. Those who “put on their face” to go out, and those who have settled for the one they were born with.
9. Those who say “those people,” vs those who include “those people” in “us” and “we.”
10. Dog people. Cat people.
12. Those who think they’ll never see a poem lovely as a tree, vs those who think of trees as the place birds sit while waiting to poop on their car.
13. Those who say, “No problem,” and those old farts who still say, “You’re welcome.”
14. Those who know “Inna Gadda Davida” is a drunk’s interpretation of “In the Garden of Eden,” and those who believe that “Inna Gadda Davida” are actual real words.
15. Those who give with a warm hand, and those who wait until their hand is ice-cold before giving their stuff away.
16. Those who recognize the need for good doctors, good engineers, good public servants, vs those who think we pay too darned much for education.
17. Belt wearers, and those who believe 6 inches of puffy underdrawers constitute a fashion statement.
18. Those who believe God will help them find a parking space, and those who believe (if God exists at all) that he has more important things on his mind, such as what happens when the cosmos expands so far it comes unglued.
Wait…what? The cosmos is coming unglued?!?
Probably, but don’t think about it.
It’s a honkin’ big concept.
Let’s just eliminate the unglued-cosmos thing and go with: we all believe that God (if He exists) will find us a parking space.
In the shade.
Right near the door.
Just don’t ignore the handicapped sign. God draws the line at keeping you from being towed.
Now wasn’t that simple?
Note: Please vote for your favorite or offer one of your own (that might add some messy complexity but I’m willing to chance it).