One sweet ride.

September 1, 2011 § 14 Comments

It’s pretty standard issue, a body. Every one of us gets one at the beginning of this trip. It takes a while to get the hang of operating it, coordinating hands and eyes–stuff like that.

Some of us wear bodies that feel borrowed, like someone else has dressed us—for life.

Some get bodies that are defective or just plain ugly.

But in terms of function, they’re all the same. A body is a vehicle; it’s just that some of us rattle around on roller skates, while others tool in Maseratis.

The distribution system seems random and not particularly fair, but there is no Better Business Bureau with which to lodge a complaint.

Aside from the self inside the body we inhabit we interact with all other selves from the outside. The package that contains the self is the easiest thing to react to, to judge.

Other people fall in love first with the texture of our skin, our scent, the way we laugh, the timbre of our voice–our body.

It’s easy to snap-judge and summarize someone based on how they clothe and care for their body—and that seems reasonable. The body is a billboard advertising the person hidden inside.

Bodies create possibilities and limits. My grandmother, a very large woman, would most often stay in the car when we went anywhere. Getting in and out and walking around were rarely worth the effort.

Conversely, when I was about eight, my best friend Linda had a visit from her cousin, also named Linda. Linda number two was what is known in the medical profession as double-jointed. The things her body did naturally sprained the entire neighborhood of young girls who tried to copy her.

Put the body in charge and it becomes its own universe, a self-contained loop of wants (coffee, ibuprofen, Häagen-Dazs) and complaints (arthritis, poor vision, zits). The body is a big fan of instant gratification: relief, comfort, sex, interesting substances. There are times when the self inside the body must rein the body in, and times when that self should just sit back and enjoy the ride.

My particular body is female, Caucasian, left-handed, blue-eyed. It could never do a cartwheel, not even during its prime cartwheel years (Linda number two sprained me good on that long-ago summer lawn).

From this particular body I view the world through the windows of a 5’6″ tower, an average height that allows me to look into most people’s eyes as opposed to down on their bald spots or up their noses. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to see the world from the vantage point of a cat or a crow or a giantess or a dwarf.

Every body is hard-wired to age (gracefully or otherwise). A body is, after all, perishable.

The older I get the more I view my self as something separate from my body—and at the same time, the more I listen to my body’s small demands and try to treat it with kindness.

Something as simple as warm hands can be enough to placate my body, leaving my self to go about the business of dreaming and planning, storytelling and listening to the interior melodies that make up my own personal Muzak.

My body turned 60 last week. I’m grateful to it for being a low-maintenance, reliable, comfortable ride. The Toyota Echo in my driveway is the automotive equivalent of this body.

I know that sooner or later something’s going to go (the check engine light’s been on in the Echo for a while but I’ve ignored it—and I have a funny tingling sensation in my hands). I’ll take care of both sometime, but when it comes to a body, the owner has to be careful. Keep the body going, but don’t let it dominate.

The elderly often talk about their aches and pains the way they once spoke of their children. An aging body can become an all-consuming preoccupation.

Although the body is something we’re meant to leave behind, witnessing death firsthand has shown me how the body and self yearn to stay together for just a little longer. I don’t know which does the holding on most intensely. The body certainly has no future after death, but the self inside that body must cling too. After all, it is the body that gives us all we know of pleasure and love…chocolate…blue skies… Beethoven.

Nobody can truly know what we will see when we shed the blindness of our bodies, but I hope what we will experience is not so different.

To hold each other and be held—although it will surely change–I hope that doesn’t die with the body.

And I hope that what I consider to be my self is not an artificial construct, an illusion created by my isolation in this body; I sometimes fear that the self is  water in a glass. Break the glass, and the water returns to a general pool that I call, because I know no better term, the life force.

But maybe all I fear is the unknown.

If I don’t persist as an individual, perhaps I will experience the great relief of joining—or rejoining—a force so large and inclusive that loneliness will be only a shadowy memory.

It might feel like letting out a long-held breath.

Tagged: , , , , ,

§ 14 Responses to One sweet ride.

  • Richard D. says:

    Happy Birthday, Adrian. With great affection, Richard D.

    Like

    • It is so good to see a few words from you–like the tap on the end of the line that fishermen wait for. Thanks for the birthday wishes. Noanne is having a major birthday herself this Sunday. We miss you Richard.

      Like

  • craig reeder says:

    very thought provoking….. there’s plenty of mystery to this life.
    makes me think of one of my favorite lines from a Vonnegut novel:
    Fish gotta swim, bird gotta fly
    Man gotta sit around and wonder why

    Like

  • We gotta wonder, but I do more of it when I’m in motion.

    Like

  • Sheila Merlau says:

    August is my birthday month, too. Happy Birthday to us! I adore your pictures. There’s nothing as sweet as a baby’s hands, especially compared with a larger hand.
    Happy baby, happy summer, happy grandparents.
    Life troops along. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  • Once a year or year and a half, Tom and I make the long trek to Texas. My sister and I call it “Visiting the Ancients” because we try to see all the remaining aunts of my father’s generation, as well as Tom’s brother and spouse and all our cousins – and we’re all over 60!

    When we get together, we talk of aches and pains – in retirement life we call this “The Organ Recital”.

    On the other hand, I played golf earlier this spring with a spry group of duffers – the youngest was 87, the oldest 93. They could drive their golf balls straight down the middle and over 200 yards, they just could see where they ended up. That was my job!

    Happy Birthday, A. You can now get a senior discount at most Dunkin Donuts! Enjoy!

    MLS

    Like

  • Pat Taylor Hatala says:

    Beautiful Adrian. It seems our minds don’t age though – I can remember stuff I did when young just as if it was yesterday. Hope you have a wonderful, ache free day !

    Like

  • Tgumster says:

    You are 60; I am 59. You are Virgo; I am Leo. You have a Toyota Echo; I have a Toyota Scion. Similar ages, separate lives. Like you, I consider my self’s return to the pool, the source of all. Until then, Happy Birthday, from one August ripple to another,

    Like

  • I like thinking of us as ripples. It sure pares our importance down to size. Happy birthday to you too!

    Like

  • ammaponders says:

    This is exquisite.
    I am 59 and identify with all you wrote.
    Thank you for this.

    Like

Leave a comment

What’s this?

You are currently reading One sweet ride. at Adrian Fogelin.

meta